tragicharmony

CW: 126.8

I don't actually have a numeric goal weight this time. I'm just going to diet until my legs don't touch.
I've lost 5 lbs already. It's been 3 days. I'm just cutting all carbs and watching my calorie count.
Today I had 493 calories. It's a lot, but I'm not even almost hungry.
I've started replacing food cravings with cigarettes. It works so well. Awful for me, but delicious. <3

Anyway. I've got a paper to write, so this is gonna stay short. But I should be posting my weight and calorie intake every day for a while. Keep myself honest.
xx

I'm obese.
A whale.
Disgusting.

So I'm not eating again.
I've been "recovered" again.
I weighed 131.8 lbs this morning.

I'm restricting. Hardcore.
I may water fast for a few days, but for now it's just restricting.
I'm not actually counting calories, though.
I'm just eating as little as possible.

For example, today I had coffee with a splash of milk (maybe a tablespoon), water, green tea, more green tea, 1 girl scout cookie, and a reduced fat yogurt.
Oh, and some more green tea.
That's all I want. I'm not hungry anymore after the yogurt. So I'm going to wait a few minutes and then work out. I'm going to do some pilates and maybe some cardio as well.

My boy and I broke up again, so I'm on the market again and I have to look hella good.
I'm going to work my ass off (quite literally) and see if I can't somehow begin to feel attractive again..

I'm going to see how quickly I can get to 120 lbs.
My guess is a week.
If I make it in 8 days, I'm going to treat myself to something.
A pedicure or a massage, I think. :)
Here's to working hard to get what you want.
Which for now, is to be thin.

I'm going to get him back. There's nothing going to stop me.

I don't deserve his forgiveness, and I wouldn't be surprised if he denied me it.
But I know the man that I fell in love with. I think he will surprise me.
I will wait as long as he needs. I will do anything he wants. As long as it means getting the love of my life back.

That's the only thing I can do right now.
I can only focus on two things right now.
One is getting him back. That's the main priority.
Two is getting thin.
I currently weigh 125 lbs. Which puts my BMI at a healthy 20.8.
Considering I'm looking for about a 19, I'm happy, but could be better.
This break up kind of encouraged me to not eat.
I don't feel like I deserve food. So I'm going to avoid it at all costs.
I'm only eating to take medicine.

So yeah. I'll keep updating on the relationship and the weight.
That's all I seem to care about right now.
xx

My throat is killing me.
I purged when I got home from church tonight.
I lost almost 2 lbs during the purge.
It was intense.

My throat hurts, my stomach is spasming, but I feel light.
I feel fat, but thin.
I'm a walking contradiction.

My head is also killing me, but it doesn't matter.
I threw up for about 15 minutes straight, so I should have expected it.
I'm fasting tomorrow. I don't want to have to throw up again.
But I can't handle everything that's out of control.
So I'm taking control of myself.
Finally.